From Doris Lessing's 'The Golden Notebook'
an exchange between Anna and Molly
"And how about you Anna?"
And now, for the first time, Molly had asked in a way which Anna could reply to, and she said at once:
"Michael came to see me. About a month ago." She had lived with Michael for five years. This affair broke up three years ago, against her will.
"How was it?"
"Oh, in some ways, as if nothing happened."
"Of course, when you know each other so well."
"But, he was behaving - how shall I put it? I was a dear old friend, you know. He drove me to some place I wanted to go. He talked about a colleague of his. He said, 'Do you remember Dick?' Odd, don't you think, that he couldn't remember if I remembered Dick, since we saw a lot of them then. Dick's got a job in Ghana he said. He took his wife. His mistress wanted to go too, said Michael. Very difficult these mistresses are, said Michael, and then he laughed. Quite genuinely, you know, the debonair touch. That was what was painful. Then he looked embarrassed, because he remembered that I had been his mistress, and went red and guilty."
Molly said nothing. She watched Anna closely.
"That's all, I suppose."
"A lot of swine they all are," said Molly cheerfully, deliberately striking the note that would make Anna laugh.
"Molly," said Anna painfully, in appeal.
"What? It is no good going on about it, is it?"
"Well, I've been thinking. You know, it's possible we made a mistake."
"What? Only one?"
But Anna would not laugh. "No. It's serious. Both of us are dedicated to the proposition that we are tough -- no listen, I'm serious. I mean -- a marriage breaks up, well, we say our marriage was a failure, too bad. A man ditches us -- too bad we say, it's not important. We bring up kids without men -- nothing to it, we say, we can cope. We spend years in the communist party and then we say, Well, well, we made a mistake, too bad."
"What are you trying to say," said Molly, very cautious, and at a great distance from Anna.
"Well don't you think it's at least possible, just possible that things can happen to us so bad that we don't ever get over them? Because when I really face it I don't think I've really got over Michael. I think it's done for me. Oh I know, what I am supposed to say is, Well, well, he's ditched me -- what's five years after all, on with the next thing."
"But it has to be on with the next thing."
"Why do our lot never admit failure? Never. It might be better for us if we did. And it's not only love and men...
enter Polly Jones, clawing her way onto the pages of Lessing
"Really, Anna, you're missing the point. Go on and admit failure. Admit that you're not so tough. Admit that being progressive makes you none the stronger. Admit that you hate being alone. "
"That's what I'm saying -- Is it worth it?"
"You still miss the point. You can admit to sadness. But, you will get on with the next thing. And, it is because they know that you will get on with the next thing, that you will always be left behind...or remain behind. You will always be the other woman, the mistress, the comrade, because that is who you are. So, yes, you might not want to take pride in your nature, but it is your nature nonetheless. Take me, for instance, just weeks ago I was madly in love, stroking his ego over the failed marriage. Oh, you know, indulging him. And then, he casually mentions that he wishes that I did not wear men's clothing around the home. Well, that was it. I went out and bought the most feminine of clothes. I then returned home and told him to go to hell. And, that's that and it's on to the next thing.
Polly paused as both women stared at her confused (after all, she was not a character in their story). So, she continued, "Oh, I take great delight in the thought of another man benefiting from my newly discovered feminine mystique, but I also could lie on the floor crying for days."
"I'm not sure I follow," said Anna.
"The point is that I may regret that I couldn't have gotten those clothes for him. The point is that I do sometimes wish I was the woman who did not walk away. I admit freely that sometimes I think I made a mess of my life. But, my thoughts are useless, because I can no more change my nature than a leopard can change her spots. And, really, why did he criticize my clothes in the first place? Was it really about the clothes? Or, was it simply an easy attack on an intimidating woman?"
Molly smiled weakly. Anna's mouth tightened.
"Yes. He was intimidated. So, you're right. There is no use wondering if we've made mistakes. Because, it was never our choice in the first place. Because we do get on with the next thing. We just do."
Polly retreated knowing that she had just tangoed with all the lies to make herself feel better.
"Well, I must be rushing along...I have my methodology to nail down and a research position to find to pay for my new clothes."
Ta-fucking-ta
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