The Dos and Don'ts of Body Mutilation

(to appear in an upcoming issue of Seventeen magazine)

Todays teens are often left perplexed and confused by the complicated world of body mutilation. These Dos and Don'ts will help you navigate the when, where, and how of this often misunderstood practice.

DO plan surgery-for-grad procedures well in advance. If you want to have those new D-cups for freshman year of college, you need to get the ball rolling now. Surprise Mom and Dad with some great grades on your next report card and convince them to start shopping for surgeons!

DO consider body mutilation as a practical solution to fashion conundrums. If you can never fit into those perfect pumps, consider shortening your fifth toe or removing it altogether. That's right: send that little piggy to go 'wee, wee, wee' for good! All but the most orthodox of feminists are cheering for fashion-driven surgery!

DO research pornographic materials to learn body ideals from head-to-toe. (This is what we call some crazy market synergy!) Move over Louis Vuitton; designer vaginas are the new must have accessory!

DO take a conscious approach to daily living to prevent potentially avoidable procedures and to preserve work that has been done. Take a gentle, almost removed, approach to sex; limit outdoor activity; and consider moving very rapidly at all times. Approaching the speed of light, might actually slow the aging process!

DON'T forget: just because certain forms of body mutilation are okay in our culture, does not make them so in other cultures. Body mutilation associated with religious rites of passage (such as Female Genital Mutilation) are always oppressive. Unlike religion, cultivated consumer demand always empowers women with choice. While you're on bed rest from your procedure(s), consider writing  piece for your school paper -- help spread democracy by educating people about the oppressive cultures of the non-Western worlds!

DON'T let your ethnic or racial background hold you back from attaining the ideal.  'White' is one fashion trend that is not going away. Women of colour know that skin-lightening products often fall short in achieving this sought-after look. New body mutilation procedures can replicate Caucasian noses and eyes!

DON'T take matters into your own hands. Body mutilation must be left to well-payed experts. Don't participate in any forms of body mutilation that might be associated with alternative culture. This may be taken as a sign of resistance! Remember: body mutilation is supposed to be fun! Angsty teens, turn that frown upside down!

Related Links:

'Cosmetic Surgery or Genital Mutilation?' at April Reign
Self-mutilation and Emo News Watch via the Daily Dissidence

Comments

[Kuri]

Thanks for this update, Polly. Cutting onself is very clearly OUT this season. But a toe removal? That's timeless.

[Polly Jones]

Foot-binding and girdles seem so medieval; why constrain and reshape body parts when we can just cut pieces away?!

[Liz]

Unlike religion, cultivated consumer demand always empowers women with choice.

Excellent! Thanks for making the point that breast implant surgery is body mutilation, just like the female circumcision procedure. In fact, maybe the surgery has advanced and this is no longer true, but I remember hearing or reading that there is no way to get the nerve endings through when a female has breast implants, meaning that women get larger breasts for somebody else to enjoy because the woman with the implants feels very little when the breasts are touched.

[dew]

And that head just adds extra pounds. Why carry around all that dead weight when there's not much purpose for a head other than blowjobs? Just get a tongue sewn between your breasts and you're all set!

[Polly Jones]

Hi Liz, I've heard the same thing about implants.

Dew, I hope the word on the blogroll game doesn't become that Marginal Notes discusses tongues between breasts! Y'know high end dolls are all the rage, so people have figured ways to remove the brain altogether!

[Fat is the Flavor]

Yes its true, breast implants do lead to a decreased sensation, and a potential complete loss of sensation.

But what the hell if they can increase you annual income or improve your chances at winning the wet tshirt contest?

Daddy will be so proud.